Masochism or is it? 

Masochism. Pain tolerance. Pain threshold.

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I don’t know whether my self-evaluation is right or not.  I (only) know that there is something satisfying in pain. A feeling I can’t address.

Or maybe I can but I’m just too stubborn to admit what it is. 

Whenever they mention getting a tattoo, installing braces, getting a wax or injection for immunization, my first thought would be the pain inflected to self but believe me I had my tattoo and it didn’t hurt. I had my braces and I was able to eat hard food a day after. In waxing I may have yelped on the first strip but was relaxed the next time until it was finished and I kept coming back. As for the injection, I ain’t afraid of needles.

But more than the physical pain is something deep and psychological.

Whenever I look for a book I always go for romance because there is drama in it. Regardless of the clichés – plot, twists and endings – I still read it but only after checking the read count or number of books sold and reviews. My criteria? It must bawl my eyes ’til red and puffy. I want to cry. I want to have a hard-time breathing going through the imaginary world.

Whenever I search for a movie my keyword in google would be “tearjerking movie”. I will read the story guide, the reviews (just like in books) and watch the trailer before playing it. I go for extremes. The more tears shed, the better.

Whenever I go to youtube I usually start with the current top music to underrated and always end up with classic, blues and alternative songs in the 90’s to early 2000’s back when lyrics were very strong and emotional. I would lightly mope and miss the great bands who were once at their peak and took the time of their lives.

Whenever people ask me if I’m okay (though clearly not) I’d say “I’m fine.” – just like everybody else does. I don’t want them to know how I feel just because I said so. I want them to be sensitive enough to learn on their own. In the meantime I’ll just bear with it for as long as I can.

Whenever their are relationship talks my friends would want to hear my take about jealousy, long distance relationship, communication, possessiveness, decision-making, etc.. (*Note that I have been single for 9 years and counting.) I would tell them “My partner can do anything but mistake or else I am letting go, end of story.” I’d rather be hurt now and go through it all sooner than prolong it and suffer the same later on.

(But) mistake aside, I can also let go of the person I really liked for a long time – even if it hurts – if after my attempts to get his attention is failing miserably. I mean why struggle so much and end up looking pathetic. This on the basis of crushing hard and not ending too well.

In realization, pain is equal to strength. We either test it or control it.

I probably have many other experiences in dealing pain physically and emotionally but couldn’t remember them as of writing so I am ending my instances here for the blog entry.

Tell me about your kind of pain in the comments and let’s talk about it.

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